[CLOSED] Yak 9 giveaway

[Jade_Monkey]

Congratulations @Juri_JS on the Yak9!

 

To celebrate the new patch I am giving away a brand spanking new Yakolev Yak-9 (regular).

I already gave away a Yak-9T and now there is a lonely Yak-9 looking for a pilot to take her out for a spin.

To switch things up a little, post an aviation related joke and I'll choose randomly among the people who qualify.

 

Cheers!

Edited May 20, 2020 by Jade_Monkey

[-=PHX=-SuperEtendard]

My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft, killing 32 Nazi aviators.

Easily the worst mechanic Luftwaffe ever had.

[E69_geramos109]

The prop is just a fan for cooling the pilot. If the prop stops the pilot sweats

[CanadaOne]

I tried to bed two sisters born on the same day. One wanted to, the other didn't, so I told the willing one that the Twin Otter.

 

I just made that up and I am so ashamed.

[BR_Calinho]

When a silver aeroplane flies over, it's American. When there's a green 'plane, it's British. When there are no aircraft, that's the Luftwaffe.

[OrLoK]

I dont like axis aircraft.

they're very plain....

 

(plane, geddit? eh?  eh? plane?

 

 

look im not a comedian! dont judge me, you're not my real dad!)

[Rattler]

Did you hear about the Cesena 172 that crashed into a cemetery, authorities have recovered 12 bodies so far and believe there are more

Edited May 20, 2020 by Rattler
Spelling dam auto correct

[Pikestance]

Pilot 1: So why did you become a pilot.

Pilot 2: To get over one of my biggest fears.

Pilot 1: Height?

Pilot 2: No, Dying alone. 

 

?

[Velxra]

Best aviation humour/joke ever

 

 

[Leon_Portier]

How do you know a friendly I-16 pilot?
On the flys on his teeth!

[Feathered_IV]

A Lockheed designer once said: “our aircraft are now so advanced that they come with a pilot and a dog as standard.  The pilots job is to feed the dog, and the dog’s job is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything”
 

PS: Don’t gift me anything - I just like a laff 

Edited May 20, 2020 by Feathered_IV

[Pikestance]

After all of these years that movie is SILL hilarious! 

[BRSQD_Bacana]

Stewardess asks the passenger during a flight, are you going to eat, sir? passenger answers with another question, what are the options?
The stewardess: Yes or No.

[Beazil]

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by JG51_Beazil

[Indianer]

It's an old one:

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. 

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

[TFDcoode]

Blue air: Bogeys on 3 o'clock I count 2 2 ships.

Tanker: juurrrrr I fly patern and sex the plons

Edited May 20, 2020 by coode

[BSS_Stel]

Apologies if most have seen these, but they never get old:  squawks.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, submitted over the years by Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.

 

Problem - Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.  Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem - Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Solution - Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit. Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield. Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud. Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative. Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen. Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing. Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny. Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums. Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit. Solution - Cat installed.

Defect: The autopilot doesn't. Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten. Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative. Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds. Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild. Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine. Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer. Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment. Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude. Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin. Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape! Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem: Tread on tires almost worn out. Action: Almost replaced tires.

Edited May 20, 2020 by BSS_Stel

[Mika_87]

How do you know when there’s a pilot in the room?

He tells you.

[Alexmarine]

"No enemy bomber can reach the Ruhr. If one reaches the Ruhr, my name is not Göring. You may call me Meyer."

 

Hermann Göring, September 1939

 

[Raven109]

7 minutes ago, ACG_Alexmarine said:

"No enemy bomber can reach the Ruhr. If one reaches the Ruhr, my name is not Göring. You may call me Meyer."

 

Hermann Göring, September 1939

 

 

I think you got it "wrong". It's Hermann Meyer who said that...

[ATAG_kiwiflieger]

[Juri_JS]

Leader, bandits at 3 o'clock!
Roger; it's only 2:30 now — what'll I do 'til then?

Edited May 20, 2020 by Juri_JS

[Cacodemon96]

What sound does 747 make when it's bouncing on landing?

 

Boeing! boeing! boeing!

[Indianer]

31 minutes ago, Juri_JS said:

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them.  I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

Already posted a few hours ago ?

I think this was the original version:

I've read Stan Boardman was banned from ITV because of that joke..

[JimTM]

Crawling out of the straw after crashing into a barn, the flight instructor asked the student why he did that? The student replied, "Well, you told me to put it into a stall!"

[Juri_JS]

2 minutes ago, Cessna-Fahrer said:

Already posted a few hours ago ?

Oops, haven't seen your post. It's one of my favorite ww jokes.?

[Indianer]

3 minutes ago, Juri_JS said:

Oops, haven't seen your post. It's one of my favorite ww jokes.?

Yeah, i had to google it cos i couldn't get it together correctly.

 

[=gRiJ=Roman-]

Kamikaze flying lesson 101

 

It would be nice to have a bundle pack of the Yak9, Yak9T and Hurricane for 30$ that is what I can afford right now.

If I get this generous present from Jade_Monkey, I could use the money to buy the other two with those 30 bucks! It´s a promise. 

 

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by =gRiJ=Roman-

[CSW_Tommy544]

Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

[Pipa]

Do not give me anything. Just for lulz.

[=/Hospiz/=Szopen]

One of the british pilots flying the airlift to Berlin got confused on the approach, which made ATC quite angry, so they shouted at him "Have You ever flown to Berlin?!?", and so he replied "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't land back then"

Edited May 20, 2020 by =/Hospiz/=Szopenovich
typo

[=/Hospiz/=MetalHead]

If you want a good set of jokes and a good music:

Basically anything from that band is hilarious.

[NiiranenVR]

I remember No jokes ......

Not in English ....

But I could write something in Danish ...

Make a laughing ?

And how would you know '...

Then ......

[Woll]

As a very new pilot (played the game with a friend for the first time yesterday and had my hand held the entire game) I had to do a landing after losing my canopy because I forgot to close it before takeoff.

 

Spent 4 tries trying time approach the airfield before my friend guided me in... And went for my first landing ever in IL-2 and with my HOTAS.

Let’s just say I looked like this irl:

Edited May 20, 2020 by GP-5

[HandyNasty]

 

I already have the Yak, just wanted to post a joke

[vino]

Q: What do you call a black pilot?
A: a pilot, you racist. 

[twilson37]

Flying is easy, avoiding slamming into the ground is the tricky bit.

[[110]xJammer]

Did you know that dark camo improves wing's lift, as the upper surface heats up, thus lowering pressure (while the bottom part is cool, therefore providing higher pressure).

 

On the other hand white camo reduces the overall temperature of the aircraft, thus improving the engine cooling performance...

 

Choices choices...

[TWC_Ace]

If you are a pilot and have a wife - you are already flying because you need a lot of weed to get through a day.

 

[MattS]

8 hours ago, ATAG_kiwiflieger said:

 

What's the difference between an onion and a Roc?

 

Nobody cries when you cut up a Roc.

 

 

 

(I have all the Yaks, just adding my 2¢).