HippyDruid Posted October 16, 2014 Posted October 16, 2014 Don't feel bad if you don't get this one. Took me a couple minutes to figure out myself, when I first read it. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first adresses the bartender: "I'll have a glass of H2O please." The second scientist says "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water too". The first scientist grumbles under his breath, frustrated that his assassination attempt failed. Hehe, I like that one! Best blonde joke ever. Anyway, what do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam! (best dad joke)
SYN_Jedders Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Not a joke, but a team speak quote from rise of flight.. "contact 2 o'clock.....what is it?.." "ermmm....definitely enemy, Albatross?..." "nope....it's an eindecker!..." "sorry....pfallz alarm" (I'll get my coat....) 1
Ace_Pilto Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets. 2
SOLIDKREATE Posted October 17, 2014 Author Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) TIME FOR TEARS! PART 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8r8KNmWfV0 PART 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uICCpXJKApA Edited October 17, 2014 by KOTP_SPEKTRE76 1
Finkeren Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 A fly walks into a bar, asks: "S'cuse me. Is this stool taken?" 1
unreasonable Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) Once upon a time in a far off land lived a king with an only son. As his son was in his teenage years and starting to trouble the servant girls, the king decided to invite princesses from the surrounding kingdoms to a great tournament, after which the son would choose a bride. The first princess to arrive was fair and comely, sweet natured, and everyone said what a wonderful mother she would make for the next generation of the royal family. The second princess was spirited and loved riding, hawking and hunting. Everyone remarked that her sons must surely be great knights. The third princess was, TBH, a bit plain, but she was smart and came with a team of accountants and managers. Within days she had exposed the chancellor for skimming off more than was customary from the kingdom's tax revenues and had reorganized the palace kitchens to improve hygiene and reduce waste. After the tournament, the king summoned the nobles, his son and the princesses to the great hall and told him that it was time to choose a bride. Which princess did the young prince choose? The one with the biggest tits. Edited October 17, 2014 by unreasonable 3
LLv34_Flanker Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 S! Once upon time, but not a second time..(yes, hideously bad..)
unreasonable Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 All right Flanker, if you did not enjoy that musing on the priorities of teenage boys, how about this: A young subaltern, recently commissioned out of Sandhurst (the British Army's officer training academy), has an interview with his Commanding Officer on joining his battalion. CO - So, welcome to the Rutland Fusilier Rifles, Mr unreasonable. I am sure you will fit in well. Now Monday is march and shoot day, nothing like a little marching and shooting to build an appetite, looking forwards to that, hmm? Mr unreasonable - Well, actually sir, marching makes my back hurt and the noise of shooting I find is just ghastly, sir. CO - Really? Well, you won't enjoy Mondays. Never mind, Wednesday is sports day. Rugger with the officers and SNCOs, or join the lads and play football, what is your preference? Mr unreasonable - As a matter of fact, sir, I find ball games to be plebian. CO - Well in that case you won't enjoy Wednesdays. What is the matter with you young man, are you some kind of homosexual pouf? Mr unreasonable - Absolutely not sir! CO - Well then you won't enjoy Fridays!
LLv34_Flanker Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 S! No, your joke was alright, just made a shorter version of it
SYN_Blackrat Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) To be completely fair The World's Shortest Fairytale(for girls)Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, 'Will you marry me?'The guy said 'No' and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny,and was never farted on.The End Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’ The girl said, ‘NO!’ And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The End Edited October 17, 2014 by SYN_Blackrat
Leaf Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 TIME FOR TEARS! PART 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8r8KNmWfV0 PART 2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uICCpXJKApA This is brilliant! Love it! :D
sallee Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I know a joke about deja vu, but you've probably heard it before...
Finkeren Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 I know a joke about deja vu, but you've probably heard it before...
unreasonable Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 Man goes to see his doctor complaining of various symptoms. Doctor runs a few tests and reappears. Doctor "Bad news I am afraid. You have Alzheimer's disease, and you have also have a coronary condition. " Man "That is not good. What can you do about the coronary condition?" Doctor " We can start you on statins, we may not need to operate." Man " Oh well, it could have been worse, I could have had Alzheimer's"
ErichRaabe Posted October 17, 2014 Posted October 17, 2014 A one-armed man goes into the second-hand shop...---Truman tells Stalin during a meeting:"I have a hobby. I collect jokes that people tell about me."Stalin replied:"I have a similar hobby. I collect people who tell jokes about me ..."---An evangelical pastor, a rabbi and a Catholic priest argue how much of the collection they keep for themselves.The evangelical pastor says:"I draw a circle of 1 m in diameter. Then I go 10 m away and throw the money to that circle. What is inside the church gets, the other I keep."The rabbi says:"So I'm doing it too. But I go 50 m away."The Catholic priest complains:"You two do not believe in god! I just take the money, throw it up and say: God, just take what you need ..."
unreasonable Posted October 18, 2014 Posted October 18, 2014 Two High Court judges are having lunch at their club. One is worried about sentencing in a case he is currently trying, so he decides to ask his more experienced colleague for some advice: Young Judge: "I say old chap, what do you give for buggery of an underage boy?" Old Judge: "Oh, a half crown, or what ever change I have in my pocket." 1
SOLIDKREATE Posted October 19, 2014 Author Posted October 19, 2014 A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!'' 1
sallee Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 Young couple finding it impossible to make ends meet and after weeks of turmoil they decide the only way to make the money they so desperately need is for the wife to sell her sexual services. They are both tearful as she goes out on the street for the first time, but there is no choice. She comes home and the two greet each other sadly and silently. He has to ask though..."how much did you make?" "Darling, it was terrible, but at least I made £165.50". "£165.60? Who the hell gave you the 50p?" "Umm....all of them." 1
LLv34_Flanker Posted October 19, 2014 Posted October 19, 2014 S! Q: Why do blondes love cabriolet cars? A: Because of leg room. 1
Leaf Posted October 22, 2014 Posted October 22, 2014 Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
J2_Trupobaw Posted October 22, 2014 Posted October 22, 2014 (edited) A TASS communique in 1970s:"Yesterday, a group of Chinese extremist has violated borders of Soviet Union and attacked a potato harvester working nearby fields. The harvester retaliated with accurate cannon and rocket fire and retreated over the Amur river..."When private Trupobaw was in basic training his father died in accident. CO of his unit has ordered his drill seregant to pass the news "In some subtle, indirect way, to spare lad the shock". Therefore, sarge has assembled the whole training unit and bellowed: "Att-tenchun privates! Whomever has a living father, three steps forward! Trupobaw, you idiot, where you thing you're going!?""Daddy, Daddy, I want to see running elephants!""No sonny, elephants did their running for today.""BUT Daddy, make elephants run again!""No sonny, elephants are tired, they don't want to run again""BUT DADDY I WANT RUNNING ELEPHANTS!""*Sigh*... Squad! Gasmasks... ON! Ten circles round the training field, on the double!" Edited October 22, 2014 by Trupobaw
SOLIDKREATE Posted October 30, 2014 Author Posted October 30, 2014 What do you call two rainy days in Seattle? .........A weekend
johncage Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 (edited) a joke that isn't at the expense of someone's self absorbed sensibilities isn't worth telling. Edited October 30, 2014 by johncage
Creepermoss Posted October 30, 2014 Posted October 30, 2014 What do you call two rainy days in Seattle? .........A weekend You know what they call two dry days, right? Summer.
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now