[COMMUNITY] Joke Thread

[SOLIDKREATE]

The only rules are no profanity, racist, political or gender identity oppressing remarks. I know that covers 80% of all jokes but we are all smart guys here.

 

 

I found this beauty on my Facebook page from an old Navy buddy.

 

 

The Watch

 

A Navy fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch
for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"

The pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!"

The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour
fast."

And that my friends ... is Confidence

Edited October 16, 2014 by KOTP_SPEKTRE76

[JimTM]

Two guys flew into a barn. One guy brushes the hay off and says, "I was following you. Why did you fly into the barn?" The other guy says, "My instructor told me to go practice putting my plane into a stall!"

[Reflected]

The only 3 survivors of a shipwreck manage to swim to a desert island. There's an American, a Dutch and a Chinese. The American says:

-Listen up Fellas, I took some survival courses, so just do what I say and everything will be fine. I will take care of the food, you - pointing at the Dutch - will take care of the wood, and you - pointing at the Chinese - will take care of the supplies.

As agreed, they meet at the same place one hour later. The American is carrying some fish and a few squirrels. The Dutch is balancing a big pile of firewood. The Chinese, however is nowhere to be seen. They look around, search the place, nothing.

"Poor soul" they think "He must have fallen victim to some wild animal."

Then one of the bushes starts to shake and the Chinese jumps out grinning:

"SUH-PLIIIIIEEEEZZ"     

[I/JG27_Rollo]

Ok, this one works with any two persons from "rivalling" cities, countries, whatever... so please don't take offence if I randomly choose ... let's say France and Belgium.

 

 

A Frenchman, a Belgian, a hot woman and a nun all sit in the same train compartment.

As the train enters a tunnel and all goes dark...

 

*SLAP*

 

The train exits the tunnel and the Frenchman is holding his cheek in pain.

 

The nun thinks: "Oh that man must have tried to make a grab at the woman and she slapped him. Serves him right."

 

The woman thinks: "Oh that man must have tried to make a grab at me but instead touched the nun and she slapped him. Serves him right."

 

The Frenchman himself thinks: "Oh that Belgian dude must have tried to make a grab at the woman, she wanted to slap him but hit me instead. How unfair!"

 

And the Belgian thinks: "In the next tunnel, I'll slap the Frenchman again."

[Leaf]

Why did Sally fall off the swing? 
 

 

 

 

...because she had no arms.

[sallee]

I think this is where I should post some serious data on the roll rate of the FW190.

[Leaf]

I think this is where I should post some serious data on the roll rate of the FW190.

 

Yeah, I was pondering posting the metacritic link here, but that would have just derailed the whole thing. :D

 

Anyway, back on topic:

 

When I told you I was a positive person, I meant HIV!

[JimTM]

I think this is where I should post some serious data on the roll rate of the FW190.

Good thing you didn't tell the one about the developer that walked into the FW190 bar!

 

Cheers!

[SOLIDKREATE]

Three guys walk into a bar....

 

 

 

 

You think the third one would have ducked! (crouched)

[Finkeren]

Leningrad in the 1930s. Stalin is giving a speech at a theatre full of local workers. Suddenly he's interrupted by a loud sneeze coming from somewhere in the audience.

 

The entire theatre fall dead silent.

 

"Who just sneezed?" Stalin asks.

 

No answer, awkward silence.

 

"The person who just sneezed will now reveal himself" says Stalin "or I will have everyone sitting in the front row shot!"

 

No answer. The people sitting in the front row are led out of the theatre and a long burst of machinegun fire is heard.

 

"I'll ask again" Stalin says "and if I get no answer, the next two rows of people will be shot! Who sneezed!"

 

Still no answer, the next two rows of people are led out and shot.

 

Stalin is now furious. He yells: "I'll as for the last time, and if I still get no answer, everyone in here will be shot! Who just sneezed?!?!"

 

Suddenly a small man raises his hand and says in a trembling voice: "It was me Comrade Stalin. Please, I didn't mean to... I have a cold."

 

"God bless you" says Stalin "and remember to cover your mouth the next time."

[sallee]

Someone may have done this before and it may not be a joke, but I've always wondered........Masochist and a sadist at a party. The masochist says, "I want you to beat me and hurt me" The sadist says, "....no......"

[Finkeren]

I'm a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. I lie awake all night wondering, if there really is a dog.

[sallee]

If it has been done , let me know. I wrote it in the back of an exercise book at school in about 1981.

I'm a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac. I lie awake all night wondering, if there really is a dog.

oooh. I like it. I don't know any Danish jokes.....I know a Dutch one, but it's about Belgians, of course, and I won't hear a word against Belgians.

[Finkeren]

Don't feel bad if you don't get this one. Took me a couple minutes to figure out myself, when I first read it.

 

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first adresses the bartender: "I'll have a glass of H₂O please." The second scientist says "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water too". The first scientist grumbles under his breath, frustrated that his assassination attempt failed.

[sallee]

Just crap at formulae?

[JimTM]

Don't feel bad if you don't get this one. Took me a couple minutes to figure out myself, when I first read it.

 

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first adresses the bartender: "I'll have a glass of H₂O please." The second scientist says "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water too". The first scientist grumbles under his breath, frustrated that his assassination attempt failed.

Lol, very clever.

[sallee]

Lol, very clever.

Is that called hedging your bets?

[Chuck_Owl]

H₂0 too = H₂0₂ = Hydrogen peroxyde formula

 

Nice one!

Edited October 16, 2014 by 71st_AH_Chuck

[JimTM]

Is that called hedging your bets?

Lol. Just a little chemical knowledge. Didn't want to spoil the fun for Chuck.

[Finkeren]

So science jokes aren't off limits? Great.

 

Did you hear about the scientist, who froze himself down to -273.15^oC? He's 0K now.

[Leaf]

So science jokes aren't off limits? Great.

 

Did you hear about the scientist, who froze himself down to -273.15^oC? He's 0K now.

 

What do you do with dead chemists? You barium.

 

Oh, and one of my all-time favourites:

 

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

[sallee]

So science jokes aren't off limits? Great.

 

Did you hear about the scientist, who froze himself down to -273.15^oC? He's 0K now.

I got that one!

H₂0 too = H₂0₂ = Hydrogen peroxyde formula

 

Nice one!

Damn Wikipedia.

Well done Chuck.

[Finkeren]

What do you do with dead chemists? You barium.

 

I so wanna tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon....

[sallee]

Doesn't stop you from telling the ones that are left...

Best joke ever is the Swedish Chemist Shop Joke, but everyone knows it anyway.

(That's not the joke, by the way).

I so wanna tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon....

[Finkeren]

This one I think says a lot about the community on this forum:

 

[sallee]

This one I think says a lot about the community on this forum:

 

Can't find a copy of the cartoon with the modelmaker proudly showing off his new models of ancient Greek soldiers and the bloke saying, "Quite, good, but don't you think the dirt under the fingernails is a bit dark for Corinth?"

[Finkeren]

One more, then I promise I'm done with the science jokes.

 

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, those who don't ...and those who recognise a base three joke when they see one.

[Leaf]

Geologists make the bedrock.

[II./JG27_Rich]

Why didn't my dog ever give me any Christmas pressents?  He never had the time get get his drivers license.

[Finkeren]

Geologists make the bedrock.

 

Reminds me of this:

 

[Chuck_Owl]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein decides to be the seeker and starts counting.

 

As Einstein counts to 100, Pascal runs away and hides in a bush. Newton, however, stands right in front of Einstein and draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

 

When Einstein opens his eyes, he sees Newton and says: "Ah ha! I found you, Newton!"

 

Newton replies "No, you found Pascal!"

[Finkeren]

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein decides to be the seeker and starts counting.

 

As Einstein counts to 100, Pascal runs away and hides in a bush. Newton, however, stands right in front of Einstein and draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

 

When Einstein opens his eyes, he sees Newton and says: "Ah ha! I found you, Newton!"

 

Newton replies "No, you found Pascal!"

 

I've heard this one before, and I'm ashamed to admit, that I don't get it.

[Chuck_Owl]

It's a joke about stress calculation units. 1 Pascal = 1 Newton per square meter.

A pascal is a unit of stress (or pressure), which is a force (a newton being a unit of force) applied on a surface or area.

Edited October 16, 2014 by 71st_AH_Chuck

[Leaf]

It's a joke about stress calculation units. 1 Pascal = 1 Newton per square meter.

A pascal is a unit of stress (or pressure), which is a force applied on a surface.

 

Sorry. Had to be accurate. :D

[Chuck_Owl]

lol I know, I realized my mistake 1 second too late

[J2_Trupobaw]

One more, then I promise I'm done with the science jokes.

 

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, those who don't ...and those who recognise a base three joke when they see one.

Why mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct= 25 Dec

 

 

 

A theoretical physicist, experimental physicist and mathematician were captures by sadistic bandits. They locked each sciencist in a cellar for a two weeks, giving each one huge can of pork and beans, notepad, pen and supply of water. After two weeks they opened cellar of experimental physicist; his notepad was filled with equations and walls of cellar were covered in dents made when he tried to smash can open. The can was smashed apart, the physicist was hungry but alive. Next they checked on theoretical physicist; the notepad and walls of cellar were covered with equations and trajectory drawings, there was single dent in the wall. The can was broken perfectly in halves, physicist was hungry but alive. Last they checked on mathematician. The walls were unmarked, the can was closed, the mathematician was dead from starvation. They checked on his notepad, which was empty, except for single phrase on first page: "Let there be a cylinder".

[Finkeren]

It's a joke about stress calculation units. 1 Pascal = 1 Newton per square meter.

A pascal is a unit of stress (or pressure), which is a force (a newton being a unit of force) applied on a surface or area.

 

Doh!!!

 

Of course

Why mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct= 25 Dec

 

Hahahah! Love it.

[Finkeren]

A search for "World's funniest joke" turned up this on a Wikipedia page. It's actually pretty funny.

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[J2_Trupobaw]

During recession that hit post-communist countries in 90s, one winter a heater broke in house of mathematics professor. He called a repairman, who fixed the heater than billed professor for more than third of his monthly university salary. He took pity of professor, though, and advised him to leave university with it's goverment-issued salaries and become a heater repairman in private sector. "Just remember" he said "don't tell the boss you went to university, he won't like it and won't hire you. Tell him you quit elementary school before finishing last year".

Professor did as advised, quickly learned to repair heaters and never looked back. But one day, management decided that to many repairmen have not even completed the elementary school, and sent their repairmen to obligatory sunday complimentary courses. So, professor found himself in a class and was called to blackboard by teacher, then told to write formula for surface of a disc. He didn't remember that; he hand't needed such elementary things for more than 30 years. So he decided to lead it out, he substituted, he integrated, and he got - Pi r^2 as a result. He stood there, baffled, wondering how that field came out as negative, then he heard another repairman whisper to him helpfully:
"Swap the borders of integral!".

Edited October 16, 2014 by Trupobaw

[Finkeren]

I know a joke about déjà vu, but you've propably heard it before...